Friday, August 12, 2011

Composition by Marcus (unedited) - Suitable Title, any suggestions?

“Arghhh……!” I grumbled, rubbing my eyes. The sunlight pierced through the window, blinding my eyes. I clambered out of bed and sat foot on the cold hard floor. It was a Saturday and I was looking forward for a day of fun and relaxation. I stumbled out of my room, half awake and expecting a ‘Happy Birthday!’ because it was my twelfth birthday but to my dismay, it was eerily quiet. I went to the kitchen to grab a snack. Meanwhile, I thought hard: Did my own parents forget about my birthday? I cast aside that thought, not wanting to believe it. I sighed and strode off to look for my parents.
“Hello?” I called out. No reply. I opened the door and examined the room. Not a single soul in sight. I felt for my pockets for my hand phone and fished it out. Disappointment surged through me. I was hoping for a splendid birthday. I dialed my mom’s phone number only to hear the beeping of my phone. I plodded to my room and lay prostrate on my bed.
Tensed moments passed as I closed my eyes, wishing for a party. Then, a glimpse of hope bubbled in me, the bell rang. I scrambled out of bed with euphoric spirits and bounded to the door. I flung the door open and was blown away at the amount of party stuff with the abundant amount of food bought by my parents but the thing that caught my attention was the beautiful decorated cake. I ushered them into the house, grinning from ear to ear.
I inquired,” what’s these stuff for?” hoping it was for me but my heart sank to its pit when I heard the reply
“It’s for Tim, remember?” Mom replied with a grin. The words “For Tim “rang deafening in my head.
“Oh…..” I mumbled with a tinge of jealousy. Just as I was about to ask about my birthday, I felt a tug at my shoulder. I looked across my shoulder. It was my father.
“C’mon, let’s spend some father-son time at the park, we might even see your girlfriend, Jenny there.” My father chuckled. I could hear my mom’s giggling from the kitchen. “Very funny, I’m already missing my birthday and you’re joking.’ I thought. I fought the urge to shove my father aside. Putting up a brave front, I nodded and followed him out of the house.
We took a stroll in the park. My father explained how PSLE was important but my mind was somewhere else, thinking of my birthday. We continued to walk; I looked at the lush greenery around. The ambiance was great. I smiled. Although it simmered a little anger in me, I was still seething with rage.
“Hey, mom just called, we better hurry home for dinner,” Dad said leading me back home. I sulked, dragging my feet as I followed him home.
“Ding Dong” I rang the bell. When the door was thrown open, mum was standing there beaming. My parents screamed simultaneously “Happy Birthday!” I was blown aback.
“Wasn’t this supposed to be Tim’s birthday?” I thought. I was about to open my mouth and ask but I was speechless. Mom immediately recognized that dumfounded look. She explained every detail, the planning and surprise. I was lost for words.
“Maybe this is going to be better than what I had thought it would be.’ I thought. In that instant, I was on cloud 9. I skipped into the kitchen.
“Woa! So much food, you’re gonna eat them all?” I joked.
Mum rolled her eye, “there’s another surprise actually.” I lifted an eyebrow.
“Ding Dong…..Ding Dong!” The alarm jingled melodiously. I went to get the door, Before I even opened the door, the guess had already budged in.
“Jenny?” I asked, bewildered
“Duh….it’s me!” She sniggered and cheekily smiled. “The time no one’s at home is worth it, man.” I thought and laughed.


  1. It was quite okay actually,although there are some parts that i did not like much but it was okay.
    The title: The Best Day

  2. Nice compo, but the idea for the story is too common.


  3. The "BGR" relationship is a little inappropriate but good for the humor. The possible title can be 'Surprising Birthday'


  4. I think that the good vocabulary and phrases are all suitable for this composition . There is also no dead wood at all , which means it is a good composition to me
    I think that this composition should be name , " A day I would never forget "

  5. Oh No! I spotted a mistake from paragraph 7.
    'Mustering Courage' should be 'Mustering up my courage'
    Ng Wen Qi

  6. sorry. posted the comment on the wrong passage!
    It should be great effort put in!

  7. I think that Marcus's composition is not too bad as the composition has lots of bombastic vocabulary but I will suggest that he can think of a more creative idea to express.
    By the way, I like the twist in the composition. :D
    ~An unexpected day~
    Peh Qian Ling

  8. I agree with Maisarah. You have good vocab but you can work more on your content.

    The title is "A surprise"

  9. The compo has a lot of good vocab which we can put into our own.The title should be A birthday surprise.

  10. Sien

    Seeing Light on A Surprise Birthday Party

  11. Overall,I feel that the story describes a lot on the surroundings.Although I dtill feel that compo can be improved by adding more'show' sentnces.

  12. sorry,spelled 'dtill' should be still.

  13. I feel that it is a good compo.
    I feel that the title should be'Best Birthday'.
    Jonathan Yeo

  14. I felt that the compo was very good as there are many good words and phrases but maybe a bit common.
    Title:An Unforgetable Birthday.
    *Loo Jia Lin*